In August of 2022 I wrote my third essay. It was extremely short but I was pleased that I wrote something after purchasing this domain name a year before I got the courage to write anything.
This particular post, about why writing sucks , has come to mind only because of recent news, which I will not link to because I don't want to add fuel to the fire.
In this past post I wrote:
"Part of me thinks - damn... I am the same age as Emmanuel Macron, the President of France. But at the same time I think - some day I will be just as dead as Emmanuel Macron, who is my age and is the President of France."
I was writing about my difficult relationship with writing but really I was writing about my envy of people who have "made it."
I recognize that my desire for some kind of external validation is probably not too healthy. I try and keep my ego in check but wanting that feeling of recognition isn't great.
But right now, after years of rumors and trials both in France and in the United States, all of that envy is gone.
I won't speculate or gossip about Brigitte Macron or the private life of the Macrons. Anyone who has read anything about them will know enough to follow what I am saying. Brigitte is not the focus of this essay and it is not my place to hypothesize or to judge. I am glad that my life is not under a microscope the way the Macrons' lives are. I am also happy that I can have a relationship with the truth in a way that people on the national stage can never have.
An authentic life is incompatible with the highest levels of public judgement and scrutiny. I don't believe that you can get to the pinnacle of society without doing ethically questionable things. At the very least, to get to the top, you have to hide who you are and shield most of your authentic self from the world. The cost of achieving that level of public success requires abandoning authenticity. If the cost of success is truth, then you're paying too much.
We have never seen the "real" Tom Cruise. We have no idea what that man is truly like. We have seen his persona and occasionally we might see glimpses of the truth that get past the facade he presents. Same with Obama, Oprah or anyone that occupies the highest levels of public life.
We have a para-social relationship with the people that dominate our screens. We feel like we know them even though they don't have the slightest clue who we are. For most of human history whatever we saw in front of us was true so our brains do not easily distinguish between reality and what we see. This makes fiction compelling but also makes us easily manipulated. We shouldn't have para-social relationships with celebrities and politicians. They serve and entertain us; we do not owe them our trust and goodwill in return.
What I envied back in 2022 was the belief that Macron was seen and valued for his talents. I was jealous that my gifts were not valued. I was mistaking the mask he presents the public as a genuine expression of who he is.
I will not have Macron's net worth, accolades and network. But what I have, that he can never reclaim, is the ability to maneuver through the world with integrity. That is something most A list celebrities have given up in the quest to get to the top.
So while I get where 2022 me was coming from, in terms of comparing how far I have come in the world with Macron, who is my age and is the president of France, I am grateful that I have not, nor will I ever, pay the price of my authentic expression in order to move forward in the world.
I am happy that I can go to the library, write this essay, and serve hundreds of people. I am confident that, no matter how many people wind up reading my work, I will never need bodyguards and protection to keep people from interacting with me because I am not interested in making myself the focus of anyone's attention. If you can make the focus your work, and not your personal presence, then you can maintain an authentic relationship with the world.
Stephen King can walk through the world and not be recognized despite having sold millions of books because he focuses on his writing and not on his "brand." When your work is what you share, you can operate with the integrity that is lost to people who sell their personal image.
Sharing truth with hundreds is more valuable than receiving empty applause from millions. If I can give the best of what my modest talents can produce to people and they find it of value that is enough.
In Other News:
I'm thrilled to share that my "Sketching for Science" website is up and running!
My book is also coming along nicely. I've hired a fantastic designer and we are hard at work making this a reality for the new year. Stay Tuned!
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